I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
You Might Also Like
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.