[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!