Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Left at a local drug store…
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it