Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*