I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Pat is about to own someone
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.