I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this