It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get