for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
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The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
The check engine light came on inside my oven.