An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
You Might Also Like
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
That’s it.I’m out.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Succinctly put.
new career option?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.