Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???