A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Effort made
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.