friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
fixed it
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I hope they boil the right one.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong