I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded