Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
You Might Also Like
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’d hang this in my house.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.