The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*sewing*
A thread
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids