So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
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Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Sell your car
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.