The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
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Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”