When you’re here for the treats.
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
All excellent questions
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”