#parenting
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them