Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
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Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I want what they have
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
At an art museum and I thought this was art
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie