My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
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My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Meat Cute
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
the Monday after daylight savings
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Friends that check up on you >
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.