Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
mathematically impossible
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Twitter remains undefeated
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?