I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.