i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.