Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
The little toadstool has spoken.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.