Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
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One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling