Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
#CoronaOutbreak
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Horrifying if literal: shit storm