Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Maybe I鈥檒l make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I鈥檒l make pancakes for dinner.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian鈥檚 wedding is the one of the saddest things i鈥檝e ever seen
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they鈥檙e already looking for things they don鈥檛 need
RSVP: 鈿笍yes 鈿笍no 鈿笍yes now but then no later on
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.馃槩”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it鈥檚 the best revenge ever
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don鈥檛 be complaining about how seasick u are when we鈥檙e halfway across the atlantic in my uncle鈥檚 boat
I鈥檓 not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”