The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
A short story about romance.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell