Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
classic mixup
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
don’t we all