I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
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Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*