You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.