Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
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[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
my retirement plan is braless
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …