I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No