Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
there’s probably a fee though
Duolingo getting serious.