If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
✌🏽
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.