“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?