Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
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Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.