I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
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Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!