If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
You Might Also Like
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant