Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
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Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin