Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.