“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
You Might Also Like
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*