Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.