Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
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Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later