Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
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Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
you will never know the true number of layers
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
honestly, i need both:
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.