[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
You Might Also Like
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.