And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*