*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
channeling her this year
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER