PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“How’s your day going?”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.